EASE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit ah shit ah shit ah shit.

I'm fucking trashed on pasta salad. Let's see how long I can keep this up.



BECK
GUEROLITO
I thought this shit came out last year. Now that Beck has been off the boil for long enough that no one cares anymore, he finally makes a return to form. "Ghost Range (E-Pro)" sounds like a delicious deli sandwich made of the Chemical Bros & Beastie Boys, back when both were still ill. Anybody can make a Beck record now. It's like there's no trick to it anymore. "Que Onda Guero" sounds like someone at his record label told him to make a record to appeal to Latin listeners & he just got it ass fucking backward. It's not bad, it's just... who gives a shit, ya know? "Girl" is the funky uptempo one. You sure this is new?

THE APPLESEED CAST
PEREGRINE
What a stupid fucking name for a band. These assholes better be fucking amazing. Too much quiet doodling up front. When it 'kicks in' it's not bad. Unless it ends up sounding like Coldplay. Nah, the vocals are buried. Cool. I approve then. Layers of shit. All kinds of activity here. Oh shit but the third track, everything is audible. Too bad. Bleh. Fucking emo fucks.


ALEXANDER KLAWS
ATTENTION
Big budget gay pop? "Stay" sounds like U2. Is this guy famous or something? What the hell is this shit?


DR DRE
THE DETOX EP
What? Who makes EPs? "Next Episode 2006"? Seriously, that's all these guys can come up with? Remember when Dre & Snoop were the pinnacle? They do.

MOONSPELL
MEMORIAL
The keyboard intro sounds like bad Christmas music. By Meatloaf. This is just weird. The music is kind of fruity, fiddly fake prog metal but the vocals are...wait for it... death metal growls. Weird. I assumed this was more of the same stupid shit as everything else. No, it's a breed unto itself.

THE FOLLOW
UP WITH THE SUN
Well, it has potential. The music is cool, dancey guitar/synth rock. The vocals aren't very cool though. I guess the music isn't that cool after all.

STARS IN COMA
MY SUNSHINE YEARS
The first track is called "Harmonizers" & it starts with a hacked melody & a pungent mid-fi beat. It could go either way at this point. "Give Up" is just indie rock band action. Fucking emo fucks. Nah, actually, "I Saw My Heart Passing By" reminds me of The Bats. So, call off the dogs.

8MM SKY
FINDERS KEEPERS
"We Do Not Even Shake Hands" is the first song. Quiet noodly rockage for thirty seconds. Then, thwap & we're in. The bass does a cool counterpoint thing. Nice. The guitar stuff is nice too. If this still reminds me of the M00nbabies next time I hear it, it'll be a winner.

SATYRICON
NOW, DIABOLICAL
I just watched a sweet black metal documentary & these guys were in it. Ha. This is cool & evil.

JOE SATRIANI
SUPER COLOSSAL
I've never listened to any of his records. I just hope he doesn't try to sing again on this one. It sounds like he's playing a guitar synth on the first song. Is that acceptable behavior for a guitar hero who isn't in King Crimson yet? Probably not. I'm sure it's just 60 tracks of guitar, all with slightly different EQ settings. "Just Like Lightnin'" is some fuckin' Bee Gees shit or something. What the hell.

MADDY PRIOR
ANOTHER MEMENTO
What the fuck. I've never even heard of Maddy Prior. This sounds like Helen Reddy or Anne Murray.


CUE THE DOVES
ARCHITECTURES OF THE ATMOSPHERE
"Majestic Twelve" is a cool moody opener, but "Sphere The Abyss" takes a wrong turn. What is this, emo math rock?

PLANET ASIA
THE SICKNESS
Do people buy this stuff? It sounds like a hiphop album made from all the pieces they cut off Michael Jackson.

SWAY
THIS IS MY DEMO
Um. Interesting hiphop. The dude must get paid by the word. The music is engaging. Might be cool.

DANIELE BALDELLI
COSMIC SOUND
This is like Yanni & Santana trying to make a techno album together. With their c0cks tied together, I don't know.

MOGWAI
MR BEAST
I should probably have a clue about these guys by now, eh. It's all instrumental? Aren't there a bunch of dudes in the band too? I don't fucking know. It's cool, I do know that.

NE-YO
IN MY OWN WORDS
Euch, hiphop soul singer rap r&b ordeal.

E-40
MY GHETTO REPORT CARD
Raw hiphop. And my subwoofer is all flabby now.

THE FOSTER WALKER COMPLEX
THE FOSTER WALKER COMPLEX
Dude. That guy's voice. No way. Is this country or Bon Jovi?

SOIL
TRUE SELF
Groove metal with choruses. Sounds like Disturbed and I hate Disturbed.

SILENT HERO
ALL THAT I HAVE
Metal? Those drums sound triggered as fuck. Either someone is the fucking Neil Peart of the drum machine or their real drummer played an electronic kit. Whatever, it sounds like Dave Lombardo on a beatbox. Not really. But still. It's not metal, it's that emo whiteboy crybaby horseshit.



THE BROKEN FAMILY BAND
BALLS
Good god, emo AND Coldplay at the same time.



BURIAL WITHIN
BURIAL WITHIN EP
Fucking christ, it's about time. Death metal!!! Woooghghghahghghh. Etc. "Of No Consequence" has several time changes. & 'tis brutal. Cool but I was still hoping for a Venom or Celtic Frost cover at the end. Maybe next time?

ATREYU
A DEATH-GRIP ON YESTERDAY
Aw man. This is the Hollywood version of death metal emo nonsense. I liked it better when death metal was the domain of the non-mall dwellers. Fuck.

KARATE HIGH SCHOOL
ARCADE ROCK
Um, the Offspring with a synth player.



CHRISTINA ROSENVINGE
CONTINENTAL 62
"White Hole", you say? Mostly quiet & acoustic singer songwriter thang with a young-sounding, breathy female lead vocalist. And a dude singing harmonies on the choruses. "Jelly" seems cool. This might turn out to be a steaming pile of shit, but at least I could listen to it for 40 seconds at a time.

N@ZI UF0 C0MMANDER
STRANGE MONASTERIES
Coil-ish whispery experimental type thing. Not, like, music. Oh, and "Pioneer" goes for the ole hard-noize feedback wall of smeck just like we useta make in theee oldeeeee dayseeee.