LOBBY

ANGERFIST
PISSIN RAZORBLADEZ
Isn't this what the 'bad' priest blasts on Father Ted?

BANAROO
AMAZING
Ace of fucking Base.

CAROLINE
CAROLINE
Ace of fucking Base.

ELTON D
GET POINTS EP
Dishy trance.

ARCHIE BRONSON OUTFIT
DERDANG DERDANG
How fucking original. Franz Ferdinand minus the White Stripes.

DRESDEN DOLLS
YES, VIRGINIA
Neato. Drums piano chick singer who sings like Morrissey.

GHOSTFACE KILLAH
FISHSCALE
I didn't realize they still made albums like this. Hm. Take out the skits & you'd probably have an EP.

I GOT YOU ON TAPE
I GOT YOU ON TAPE
Flaming Lips.

INVISIBLE SESSION
TO THE POWERFUL
Vocal jazz, eeuw.

IRON FIRE
REVENGE
Is it a full-album cover version of the KISS album of the same name? No? Then I don't care. Whoa, 80s style euro power metal, complete with high-voiced singer who goes "aaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaahhh!!!!!" It's weird that this style is still so prevalent.

LANTERNA
DESERT OCEAN
Talk Talk-y atmospheric instrumental rock music stuff thing.

MADS LANGER
ATTENTION PLEASE
Who's the gay dude with the famous dad singer songwriter whose name I can't recall right now? Him.

MAROON
WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
Starts off solidly enough, with a brutal, chugging riff & scowly vocals. But then the guy's voice goes up in pitch. Guitar solo. Let's wait & see what happens here. "Wake Up in Hell" almost goes there with the melodic clean vocals, but not quite. So, I don't know.

MATES OF STATE
BRING IT BACK
Synthy, live drums, multiple vocalists. Might be cool. Might be a big pile of pretentious wank, it's too soon to tell.

O.S.I.
FREE
Not nearly as irritating as I assumed.

PEOPLE IN PLANES
AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE
Weird. Bashy prog pop rock guitar ordeal. Ah: Built To Spill.

PINK
I'M NOT DEAD
Dude. Right on to the one about the president before it turns self-righteous. & she can sing. She's no Cathy Dennis but who is anymore.

THE ROGERS SISTERS
THE INVISIBLE DECK
Silly pop rock like, I don't know, the Killers or something.

ROSANNE CASH
BLACK CADILLAC
So, does she get a free car for using that album title?

SWEETBOX
ADDICTED
Sounds like Britney Spears to me. Like I fuckin' know.

T.I.
KING
Uh.

TALK DEMONIC
BEAT ROMANTIC
Weird-ass folktronica. With piles of live instruments - including banjo. Everything fucked-wit on a computer at some point.

THE STREETS
THE HARDEST WAY TO MAKE AN EASY LIVING
Probably a lot of fun to listen to. Once.

THE SWORD
AGE OF WINTERS
Jesus, that's heavy. The hundredth coming of doom. Sure, but still. That shit is heavy.

THE FEVER
MINOTAUR EP
Nice. Uptempo keyboard/drums/vocals 'weirdness'. It's not that weird, it is just pop music after all.

THE LIKE YOUNG
LAST SECRETS
The Doves without the choruses.

THE ZUTONS
TIRED OF HANGIN' AROUND
Filling the void left by Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. Trying to anyway.

TOTO
FALLING IN BETWEEN
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa. Ha. Toto. This must be their metal record. How bizarre. Why even call it Toto then. Oh, wait: the Toto part of the song. That's really strange, talk about bipolar beef. "Taint Your World" sounds like old Van Halen. "Let it Go" sounds like old Toto. So...you figure it out. Or not, it is only Toto.


YAK BALLZ
SCIFENTOLOGY
Awwww, they're gonna get in trouble...

SOUND

I think I really fuckin' dig The Sound. 'From the Lion's Mouth', 1981. Sounds like a new release. Adrian Borland, right? Killed himself. All that. I only know about him via Mark Burgess. & this album sounds like a cross between Chameleons & Comsat Angels. Which, to most people, those two bands are probably interchangable anyway. It's gloomy guitar rock. Probably adored by a select few oldtime crossover g0ths. Which woulda been me except I was never a g0th, was I. & now there's a whole strain of 'indie' 'alternative' bands that sound exactly like The Sound.

DEVICE

ANDERS MANGA
LEFT OF AN ALL-TIME LOW
"This Circle" sure as hell sounds like "Head Like a Hole". "Empire of the Sun" sounds like some other Nine Inch Nails track that I can't place. Or even more recent Numan. Is this guy popular? This is kind of like aggressive synth pop trying to make a comeback, only it was never that popular to begin with.

BAND OF HORSES
EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME
The first song, "The First Song" begins prettily enough with piano, guitar, drums, bass, whatever. High voiced Perry Farrell clone on the mic. Not bad. Etc.

BE YOUR OWN PET
BE YOUR OWN PET
Short, snappy, aggressive guitar/drum pop songs. 15 tracks in 33 minutes. If it's a race, they will win. Foul moothed girl singer. Nice. Very nice. "We Will Vacation, You Can Be My Parasol". Sure, why the hell not. I mean, the guitar/drums thing is still hott, I guess. If it ever was. And some are convinced that it was. Though some of us are still unsure.

BLACKMORE'S NIGHT
VILLAGE LANTERNE
Sounds like ole Blackmore discovered Dead Can Dance, Evanescence and Riverdance on the same day. & got so excited he had to grow a moustache & form a band. Sure, okay. And blows the dust off "Street of Dreams" & even gets ole Joe Lynn Turner onboard.

CAEDMON'S CALL
In The Company Of Angels II: The World Will Sing
He mentions god in the first line, is this supposed to be a trick? It is.

CANNIBAL CORPSE
KILL
The song titles tell the whole story here. And I still love Cannibal Corpse even though I've never really listened to them & I don't know shit about them. I don't care. I just love the fact that they still exist on the same plane. "Five Nails through the Neck". "Submerged in Boiling Flesh". And you can't understand the singer, so that's even cooler with me.

CESIUM 137
INTELLIGENT DESIGN
I wonder what Caedmon's Call would say to the title of this album of ghey 4-on-the-floo trance pop.

DONALD FAGEN
MORPH THE CAT
'morph' the cat, huh. Seriously? I'm supposed to listen to 52 minutes centered on that concept. 'morph' the fucking cat? I liked that one song of Fagen's that was on MTV back in like 1982 that showed everyone running down to a fallout shelter in their backyard. "H Gang" kind of reminds me of that. I'm someone who was turned off Steely Dan & all their permutations forever by classic rock radio. So, sorry. 'morph' the cat. Dude.

DRYLINE
REACH FOR THE SURFACE
Consistently brutal, melodic death metal. I kept waiting for the wimpy clean vocals to kick in & ruin everything. Oh, wait. There they are. Fucking.

EMBRACE
THIS NEW DAY
Sounds like they wanna be U2 &/or Coldplay. ie big budget guitar piano drums poprock.

ENSLAVED
RUUN
Nicely melodic black metal. & the keyboardist uses a Hammond organ tone too in addition to the usual pipe organs & orchestra patches.

GOMEZ
HOW WE OPERATE
I don't know, it's not bad but it also just played for several minutes without making any impression whatsoever.

IN STRICT CONFIDENCE
WHERE SUN AND MOON UNITE EP
Genderly integrated synth pop from the old school of ....Xymox. Y'know, back when synth pop could still be a little dark without being morbid. That sounds like a compliment. I must be enjoying this. Even though if I tried to describe it I would say that the chix's voice sounds like Ace of Base. & at 54 minutes this is one long fucking EP. (though not the longest, I think Scorn might still hold the 'record' at 74 minutes).

KRISIUN
ASSASSINATION
Fucking shit, man! The opening riff to "Bloodcraft" sounds like a bunch of machine guns going off at the same time. For a long time. Nice. So it's like super prog death metal. I wonder why there isn't more of this kind of thing. 'snice. "Suicidal Savagery". I don't what that means. "Summon" = 49 seconds of bongos. Hell yes. This is what metal should be. Scary, tight as fuck and not a keyboard in sight. "Sweet Revenge" ... 'hello, victims'. Yeeeehaaghhghgh.

LITTLE WILLIES
LITTLE WILLIES
Okay, this is just fucking weird. "Roly Poly" sounds like Frank Zappa & Duane Allman playing the 'oh brother where art thou' soundtrack. Which means, yep, very annoying. "Lou Reed".

MARCEL COENEN
COLOUR JOURNEY
Ah, fake Yngwie/Satriani/Vai type shit. Dream Theater, that kind of thing. Hard rockin', but with better guitar solos & little prog bits scattered around the place. Not bad.


NERVE FILTER
LINEAR
Like an aggressive combination of Chemical Bros & Underworld? Orbital too. & new Skinny Puppy, but not so much. Dark dance music.

ROB ZOMBIE
EDUCATED HORSES
I think the last thing of Zombie's I heard was that 'deathride 69' or whateverthefuckitwas, in about 1892. Again, you'd know more about this than I do. His voice is waaaay out front. The songs are all kinda like you've heard 'em before somewhere but you can't place where. Marilyn Manson crossed with Cathedral.

SICK OF IT ALL
DEATH TO TYRANTS
Oh my god. "Machete" kix in all brutal as fuck. Distorted bass, screaming, blast beat fills. I betcha it slows down & he starts crooning any second now. Ha. Nah. I saw these guys opening for Napalm Death in 1991 or so. It struck me as odd that shorthaired dudes would ever want to rock so hard. & now of course everyone has short hair & everyone wants to rock this hard.

SO THEY SAY
ANTIDOTE FOR IRONY
I don't know, I think there's a fresh glut of bands with prepositional phrases for names & 'quirky' 'ironic' album titles. And I don't mean to sound like a fuckin' fossil, but they're pretty much interchangable, aren't they. And I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me how this band is any different from anything else that's out right now. It's like in the 80s there was a bunch of faceless hair metal. In the 90s it was meaningless grunge. Now...this.

STEREOLAB
FAB FOUR SUTURE
Well, it is Stereolab, so that should tell you something. No, that should tell you everything. Gorgeous experimental quirky sexy pop with female singing & synths & live everything. & still perfect sunny day music. "Excursions in 'oh, a-oh'".."Widow Weirdo".

TAPES 'N TAPES
THE LOON
Mm. Semi-involved alternapoprock. So I'll say Flaming Lips.

TEARS FOR FEARS
SECRET WORLD
10 live trax from the comeback tour & two new studio ones. I loathed the comeback album at first but calmed down & accepted its beauty eventually. Then I forgot about it completely. So I can revisit the trax with freshie ears. This is mostly 'greatest hits live' but they do a big batch of newer shit too. The studio stuff is in line with everything else. Beatle-y as dick.

BLOODHOUND
NOSFERATU
Wow, I didn't think this kind of thing existed anymore. Dark but cool hard rock metal. Euro, obviously. Kinda Maidenish & the singer sounds like Jeff Scott Soto or the other dude who sang on the early Yngwie albums.

TEARS OF ANGER
IN THE SHADOWS
Modern metaltronica. Maybe more on the Queensryche end of things. With the occasional downtuned riff. Oddly enjoyable.

DRUDKH
BLOOD IN OUR WELLS
Long songs, lots of screaming, badly-recorded drums. Borderline racist song titles. Must be brutal black metal then.

STEVE KAHN
THE GREEN FIELD
Fucking nice guitar/bass/drums jazz trio.

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
THE GOODNIGHT MOON
I don't know, I think there's a fresh glut of bands with prepositional phrases for names & 'quirky' 'ironic' album titles. And I don't mean to sound like a fuckin' fossil, but they're pretty much interchangable, aren't they. And I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me how this band is any different from anything else that's out right now. It's like in the 80s there was a bunch of faceless hair metal. In the 90s it was meaningless grunge. Now...this.

THE LIVING END
STATE OF EMERGENCY
Fake Foo Fighters.

THE VINES
VISION VALLEY
Hm. Catchy & cacky riff-rock. "Futuretarded". And "Atmos", hey, they stole my word. Which I stole from Rik & Ade on 'Bottom'.

TRAIN
FOR ME IT'S YOU
Hasn't their record deal run out yet?

VAN MORRISON
PAY THE DEVIL
I've never had a Van Morrison phase. And I stand by that decision. I mean, isn't this guy known more for his songwriting than his country & western crooning? Does he think he's Lyle Lovett now?

VAARTINA
MIERO
Now you're talkin'. This shit is just weird. I love it. It reminds me of that Miranda Sex Garden EP when they came back as, like, a full band. That was the shit. Vaartina is the shit too. The vocals sound like the Bulgarian Women's Choir. Actually this sounds like a rock band version of Le Mystere de Voix Bulgares. So..fuck yeah.

VREID
PITCH BLACK BRIGADE
"Då Draumen Rakna" opens & it's just ungodly, brutal, deathly black metal. Hence my erecti0n. Yeah, I dig it.

WILDERNESS
VESSEL STATES
Squawky clean guitars, the singer sounds like he's kidding with his two-note range. Sounds like rock-band improv. So I'll say Tool.

WINTERS BANE
Redivivus
More of the euro hard rock metal guitar band stuff with the Maiden vocals. Not bad for what it is but I'd probably only listen to it to make fun of the singer.

ZYKLON
DISINTEGRATE
Hmm. It'd be ignorant for me to say that it sounds like Emperor, since this band includes Emperor peeps. But guess what.

SINKING

God, I'm old. New music really is starting to sound just like noise to me.





AD VER SARY
INTERNATIONAL DARK SKIES
Slow, distorted, Nine Inch Nails type thing. Not industrial in the classic sense. Is it all instrumental? I don't hear any vocals.


IN FLAMES
COME CLARITY
Jesus, there are so many layers of guitar at the beginning that you can barely hear the snare drum. Wait, let me turn off the compression patch. Okay, now it just sounds like sing-songy ghey nu-death metal. It's not horrible. Wait, I take that back, the clean vocals are fucking disgusting. Which is a pity because the rough parts are forward-thinking.

GEORGE NOOKS
COME A LONG WAY
Big-bwah reggae, bwah. & look, I haven't mentioned Horace Andy once.

LONELY, DEAR
SOLOGNE
The singer sounds like Perry Farrell as a (voodoo) child. I'm usually a big fan of the quiet acoustic mopey end of things but this is so...like...self-conscious? That I just want to listen to Motorhead now. And deny ever owning an acoustic guitar.

MORRISSEY
RINGLEADER OF THE TORMENTERS
Okay, here we go. It sounds like Moz is jumping on the Reznor/Pixies/Nirvana quiet/loud/quiet thing about 100 years too late here. Ha. Nice one. And the second one is like Radiohead. Inevitable really. Is that better than fake rockabilly? Hmm. Let me ponder that for a minute. "Life is a Pigsty" is nice. Don't know about the rest.

MOST VALUABLE PLAYERS
YOU IN HONEY
Acoustic electronicaaacaca. With bizzzzzzling synths & foodle-y bass guitar line. Pop. I've certainly heard worse today.

SUICIDE COMMANDO
BIND TORTURE KILL
Holy fake Skinny Puppy. Or Front Line Assembly. But probably Skinny Puppy. Dude, if you do distorted vocals over a big swingy synth riff like "Assimilate", what do you expect me to say? But it's weird because other tracks are just, like, trance. So it's hard to say. And I can think of worse artists to rip off.


TANTO METRO & DEVONTE
MUSICALLY INCLINED
Oh no, this sounds like that Shaggy song. Straight dancehall reggae with a high-voiced r&b singer dude.

THE NEW AMSTERDAMS
STORY LIKE A SCAR
Wimpy-voiced big-budget 'indie' rock. Country overtones, slide guitar, cellos. Which makes it sound like American Music Club. But it taint.

FALLIN'

The Nick Drake documentary was surprisingly cool. It's beautifully filmed & they do lots of really long, moody shots of things like his bedroom & a street in Tanworth-in-Arden. Actually that type of thing makes up about half of the 50-minute movie. The rest is interviews with his sister, Joe Boyd the producer, the guy who did the arrangements & the engineer. Oh & the photographer too. So, bit of talking, bit of moody filmwork, with, like, just the rhythm tracks of "At the Chime of a City Clock". Type of thing. Nice to see his grave at the end, just like I remember it. Actually it was sunny out on the day we were there, so all my pics are well-lit. Their shot was super-dark.


DISPARAGED
BLOOD SOURCE
"Contorsion"? Is that a word? Gotta love brutal death metal bands. Fuck it, just make up your own words, who cares. Tis more brutal & thrashy than average. Nice blastbeats. The vocals are audible. Good stuff. If a trifle generic. "Split in Half". Nice.


BLEEDING THROUGH
THE TRUTH
Um. More modern thrash/death. Ew, clean vocals. Next.

THE QUILL
IN TRIUMPH
Downtuned 80s style hard rock. Weird.

BREAKAWAY
MALAGA EP
It's like metal, then it's like wimpy wimpy emo. I feel like I need to make peace with this genre, I might really be missing out on some level. At this moment I don't see how that could be possible. I guess this is what I get for wondering what Ocean Blue would sound like as a metal band.


BULLWACKIE ALL-STARS
DUB UNLIMITED
No surprises here, just fucking excellent dub reggae.

DUDLEY PERKINS
EXPRESSIONS 2012 AU
The first song sounds like Busta Rhymes on a Sly Stone kick. From there it reminds me of Black Eyed Peas and Wyclef. Of course I am just fucking ignorant. And no, "Dear God" isn't an XTC cover. I'm not that fucking ignorant.

PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS
STEPFATHER
Puts me in the mind of Dub Pistols, the Roots & Jurassic 5. Did I already hear this one? I should make a list. Positive, intelligible hippyhoppy.

RADIOINACTIVE
SOUNDTRACK TO A BOOK
Fake Eminem. Wow.

THE KOOKS
INSIDE IN INSIDE OUT
Flavor of the moment in the UK? Or did I read that wrong? Acoustic guitar & Badly Drawn Boy type vocal melody on "Seaside". "See the World" starts like yer average Strokes/Interpol/whatever but kicks in nicely. The production is actually kind of cool, I don't know how to describe it. Everything sounds 2 dimensional. I might dig this until/unless it gets popular here. "Jackie Big Tits"!!! HAAAA! Yes. Fun title & tune.

Q-POINT
NOTHING ELSE
Fake jazz, Portishead, Massive Attack, Thomas Dolby, Sade, possibly homemade. Smooth jazz. Not bad for what it is but, y'know. Downtempo not quite jazz not quite electronic.

BEN HARPER
BOTH SIDES OF THE GUN
Two discs, do I have to write two reviews? His voice is annoying. Too bad everybody sounds like this now - acoustic guitar, orchestra, light drumming.

BLOF
UMOJA
I don't know where these guys are from, I just wanted to write 'blof'. They're big somewhere in Europe. And it's easy to see why.

CIGAR CYPHA
WORLDWIDE
I remember Mystikal.

ELLEN ALLIEN & APPARAT
ORCHESTRA OF BUBBLES
Damn. This is like techpopdanceOrbitalHawtin type shit but with her singing on it. Nice & epic too. Let's dance! Seriously.

MATMOS
THE ROSE HAS TEETH
Ow, my torso. I can't dance to that! And: Art Of Noise called, they want their fucking thing back.

EASE

Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit ah shit ah shit ah shit.

I'm fucking trashed on pasta salad. Let's see how long I can keep this up.



BECK
GUEROLITO
I thought this shit came out last year. Now that Beck has been off the boil for long enough that no one cares anymore, he finally makes a return to form. "Ghost Range (E-Pro)" sounds like a delicious deli sandwich made of the Chemical Bros & Beastie Boys, back when both were still ill. Anybody can make a Beck record now. It's like there's no trick to it anymore. "Que Onda Guero" sounds like someone at his record label told him to make a record to appeal to Latin listeners & he just got it ass fucking backward. It's not bad, it's just... who gives a shit, ya know? "Girl" is the funky uptempo one. You sure this is new?

THE APPLESEED CAST
PEREGRINE
What a stupid fucking name for a band. These assholes better be fucking amazing. Too much quiet doodling up front. When it 'kicks in' it's not bad. Unless it ends up sounding like Coldplay. Nah, the vocals are buried. Cool. I approve then. Layers of shit. All kinds of activity here. Oh shit but the third track, everything is audible. Too bad. Bleh. Fucking emo fucks.


ALEXANDER KLAWS
ATTENTION
Big budget gay pop? "Stay" sounds like U2. Is this guy famous or something? What the hell is this shit?


DR DRE
THE DETOX EP
What? Who makes EPs? "Next Episode 2006"? Seriously, that's all these guys can come up with? Remember when Dre & Snoop were the pinnacle? They do.

MOONSPELL
MEMORIAL
The keyboard intro sounds like bad Christmas music. By Meatloaf. This is just weird. The music is kind of fruity, fiddly fake prog metal but the vocals are...wait for it... death metal growls. Weird. I assumed this was more of the same stupid shit as everything else. No, it's a breed unto itself.

THE FOLLOW
UP WITH THE SUN
Well, it has potential. The music is cool, dancey guitar/synth rock. The vocals aren't very cool though. I guess the music isn't that cool after all.

STARS IN COMA
MY SUNSHINE YEARS
The first track is called "Harmonizers" & it starts with a hacked melody & a pungent mid-fi beat. It could go either way at this point. "Give Up" is just indie rock band action. Fucking emo fucks. Nah, actually, "I Saw My Heart Passing By" reminds me of The Bats. So, call off the dogs.

8MM SKY
FINDERS KEEPERS
"We Do Not Even Shake Hands" is the first song. Quiet noodly rockage for thirty seconds. Then, thwap & we're in. The bass does a cool counterpoint thing. Nice. The guitar stuff is nice too. If this still reminds me of the M00nbabies next time I hear it, it'll be a winner.

SATYRICON
NOW, DIABOLICAL
I just watched a sweet black metal documentary & these guys were in it. Ha. This is cool & evil.

JOE SATRIANI
SUPER COLOSSAL
I've never listened to any of his records. I just hope he doesn't try to sing again on this one. It sounds like he's playing a guitar synth on the first song. Is that acceptable behavior for a guitar hero who isn't in King Crimson yet? Probably not. I'm sure it's just 60 tracks of guitar, all with slightly different EQ settings. "Just Like Lightnin'" is some fuckin' Bee Gees shit or something. What the hell.

MADDY PRIOR
ANOTHER MEMENTO
What the fuck. I've never even heard of Maddy Prior. This sounds like Helen Reddy or Anne Murray.


CUE THE DOVES
ARCHITECTURES OF THE ATMOSPHERE
"Majestic Twelve" is a cool moody opener, but "Sphere The Abyss" takes a wrong turn. What is this, emo math rock?

PLANET ASIA
THE SICKNESS
Do people buy this stuff? It sounds like a hiphop album made from all the pieces they cut off Michael Jackson.

SWAY
THIS IS MY DEMO
Um. Interesting hiphop. The dude must get paid by the word. The music is engaging. Might be cool.

DANIELE BALDELLI
COSMIC SOUND
This is like Yanni & Santana trying to make a techno album together. With their c0cks tied together, I don't know.

MOGWAI
MR BEAST
I should probably have a clue about these guys by now, eh. It's all instrumental? Aren't there a bunch of dudes in the band too? I don't fucking know. It's cool, I do know that.

NE-YO
IN MY OWN WORDS
Euch, hiphop soul singer rap r&b ordeal.

E-40
MY GHETTO REPORT CARD
Raw hiphop. And my subwoofer is all flabby now.

THE FOSTER WALKER COMPLEX
THE FOSTER WALKER COMPLEX
Dude. That guy's voice. No way. Is this country or Bon Jovi?

SOIL
TRUE SELF
Groove metal with choruses. Sounds like Disturbed and I hate Disturbed.

SILENT HERO
ALL THAT I HAVE
Metal? Those drums sound triggered as fuck. Either someone is the fucking Neil Peart of the drum machine or their real drummer played an electronic kit. Whatever, it sounds like Dave Lombardo on a beatbox. Not really. But still. It's not metal, it's that emo whiteboy crybaby horseshit.



THE BROKEN FAMILY BAND
BALLS
Good god, emo AND Coldplay at the same time.



BURIAL WITHIN
BURIAL WITHIN EP
Fucking christ, it's about time. Death metal!!! Woooghghghahghghh. Etc. "Of No Consequence" has several time changes. & 'tis brutal. Cool but I was still hoping for a Venom or Celtic Frost cover at the end. Maybe next time?

ATREYU
A DEATH-GRIP ON YESTERDAY
Aw man. This is the Hollywood version of death metal emo nonsense. I liked it better when death metal was the domain of the non-mall dwellers. Fuck.

KARATE HIGH SCHOOL
ARCADE ROCK
Um, the Offspring with a synth player.



CHRISTINA ROSENVINGE
CONTINENTAL 62
"White Hole", you say? Mostly quiet & acoustic singer songwriter thang with a young-sounding, breathy female lead vocalist. And a dude singing harmonies on the choruses. "Jelly" seems cool. This might turn out to be a steaming pile of shit, but at least I could listen to it for 40 seconds at a time.

N@ZI UF0 C0MMANDER
STRANGE MONASTERIES
Coil-ish whispery experimental type thing. Not, like, music. Oh, and "Pioneer" goes for the ole hard-noize feedback wall of smeck just like we useta make in theee oldeeeee dayseeee.

TUGGED

It's gonna be stop-the-presses time when I get my talons on the new Celtic Frost album. Hopefully it won't suck ass-sticks & I'll forget why I was so eager to hear it. Kinda like the new Venom. Celtic Frost hasn't released anything new in almost 14 years, if you count the new songs they did for the 'best of' album.


I'm checking my sources twice a day now. Eeeeh.



HIS NAME IS ALIVE
DETROLA
Wacky/arty (former) 4AD band from the midwest that I've just never gotten into. I think his excursions into gospel etc drove me away. & all the feedback & bullshit is just sabotage. "Introduction" is a dirge thing with octavey female vox on top. Cue applause. Is this live? "After I Leave U" starts with a distorted rhythm, then follows distorted, hacked pop song elements. Female voice = nice. I sort of like this but I don't know if I'd bother listening to it again. "I Thought I Saw" starts with blues rock guitar, followed by stabby piano chords & a loping lilt that recalls American top 40 music of the late 1970s. I don't know how else to say it. Nice, I guess. At least different. Well, except that everyone from Air to Beck has done this sound to death in the last 10 years. No matter. This is nice. Thumb up. Pop music nowadays is so perfect down to the last detail & it's good to hear so much humanity + good tunes.


YRKOON
UNHEALTHY OPERA
Well-produced death metal. Slightly arty with the chorus but the Euro overtones are nice. This is more yer brutal end & not so much yer pop end of the death spectrum. "From the Depths" starts with a long halftime riff but builds back up to blister-beat speed. "Avatar Ceremony" has some sweet-ass guitar harmonies in the riffs. And the guitar solos are melodic. Which is always nice.


MYSTIC CIRCLE
THE BLOODY PATH OF GOD
"Hellborn" starts with a slow, moody keyboard riffy bit. Then syncopation building into simply brutal, halftime Nordic death. That didn't make any sense, did it. The vocals are like Dimmu Borgir, maybe the whole thing is. "Church of Sacrifice" is more of the same. The drumming is cool. The keyboards might be a little fruity, but, whatever. Nice cover of Celtic Frost "Circle of the Tyrants". Which just makes me even more eager to hear the new Celtic Frost. I hope it doesn't suck. What were we talking about again?


AMATORY
DISCOVERY
"Don't Fuck With My Heart". HA! What the hell is this? It starts with a straight synth loop & drum/bass bit. Nice sample of a chick singing "la la la la, don't fuck with my heart". Then....whoosh, it's a death metal song. How did that happen? Double-kick drums, growling vocals. But the chorus kicks in & it's that groove again. My god. That rules. Song of the day. So far. Then "Ace of Spades" reconfigured as a brutal death metal track. Clearly, Amatory knows how to party. "Into the Fire" sounds like fun. Is this another cover? "Rock Baby" too.


ANTI-FLAG
FOR BLOOD AND EMPIRE
Uptempo punk rock. Unfortunate pop overtones. Please no.


YEAH YEAH YEAHS
SHOW YOUR BONES
Were these guys sort of popular at one point? Whatever. "Gold Lion" starts humbly with acoustic guitar & thwapped snare. Plus female singing. Nice falsetto "ooh oooh" thing. Sounds like the whole thing kind of leans that way. Maybe for those who miss No Doubt. "Turn Into" sounds like a cover of the Strokes, Killers, etc etc etc etc to infinity. ie every other band in the world right now.


WARRANT
BORN AGAIN
Oh my fucking god dude. I've always hated everything this band stood for. Their music, all the smiling in their fucking videos. Their lame lame sexism. I know that lots of musicians from this once-popular sonic genepool are still bitter about big bad grunge coming along & taking away their jobs. But seriously, fuck Warrant. So I guess I'm kind of reluctantly even letting this shit play while I type this. If I think about KISS while the first track plays, I can deal with it better. Jaime St James is the new singer. I think I liked Black & Blue at one point as a lad. Back to the action. Shockingly, this doesn't make me homicidal. It's just, like, harmless 1980s throwback hard rock. If Ratt made an album like this it would be a return to form. I'll try to cut these guys some slack. I just don't know if I can admit to that in public.


WILLIE NELSON
YOU DON'T KNOW ME: THE SONGS OF CINDY WALKER
What? I've never listened to Willie Nelson before. I assumed he was a big enough songwriter to not have to grovel like this at the feet of someone I've never heard of. Y'know what this sounds like? Fucking Willie Nelson. Now get out of my face.


VETO
THERE'S A BEAT IN ALL MACHINES
Uh. I like the poingy upper-register guitar or is it bass intro. But the singer dude could derail the whole thing before it even starts. Fortunately when the drums & bass kick in for real, they're arty & all over the place. It's not just stomping & clapping, for once. Not that there's anything wrong with that. If Gary Numan had made a prog album. "We Are Not Your Friends" sounds like a synthathetic ballad. Synthathetic, that's my new word. "You Are a Knife" is a cross between Radiohead & The Cars. "I Brought the BBQ" is another low-key synth-moper. I'll have to hear it again before I can say for sure but on the surface it seems pretty cool. So far.


BEYOND FEAR
BEYOND FEAR
Um. "Scream Machine" kicks off kinda Slayer-esquely. But then the singing comes in & sounds like fucking Geoff Tate. Oh my god. I think I knew subconsciously that this type of music was popular in other parts of the world. Because it just sounds like Lizzy Borden playing death metal to me.


DAVID GILMOUR
ON AN ISLAND
Well, "Castellorizon" certainly takes its time getting going. The whole thing is just a slow instrumental build-up. "On an Island" is slow & shuffly. Sounds like Pink Floyd on an XTC kick. That's XTC the band, not ecstasy the tablet. Or, Gilmour Does McCartney. & I guess I still don't know what differentiates a David Gilmour album from a Pink Floyd one. This is pleasant enough for what it is. And I've certainly heard worse solo albums by 1960s guys in the recent past.



THEATRE OF TRAGEDY
STORM
If Ace Of Base had been a black metal band. "Disintegration" = not a Cure cover.



THE SWORD
AGE OF WINTERS
So, the slow stoner doom (duo?) thing is here. Here it is in all its fat slow turgidity. Plus synths. So it must be cool. Detuned guitars & long long drum fills. I should love it.


THE ALPINE
ON FEEL TRIPS
"Box Office Band"...oh shit. The early 80s are back again. Is this Duran Duran or Styx? Or...REO Sheepwagon? Co-ed vocals? Or does that dude just a have a really really high chick-like voice? More questions than answers here, I'm afraid. "Don't Touch the China" = nice song title.



SWORN ENEMY
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
Screamy well produced death metal hardcore. Like a smoothed out Lamb of God. Wait, smoothed-out lamb, isn't that what they use for gyro meat?


SWEETBOX
ADDICTED
God damn. Chick singer super commercial pop music. Nothing here is an accident. That's something else. I can't even compare this to anything, such is the void of my of knowledge on the subject of top 40 music.


SMOKIE
FROM THE HEART
Um, might be country. Sounds like fucking country.


SCARFACE
MY HOMIES PART 2
Unfortunately I missed Part 1, so I'm catching up now. I remember being interested in the first big Geto Boys album because it was banned before it was even released. Whitey was running scared but shit was for real. And it was a few months before I even heard it. & then it really did scare the fuck out of me. I still like that first album, didn't bother with any of the rest. The only names I recognize on the long line of guests here are equally OG. Hah. Like Ice Cube. I can't quantify why but this annoys me far less than most current hiphop. Good to hear Bushwick Bill still layin' it down. And shit.


PUBLIC ENEMY
REBIRTH OF A NATION
As much as I'm pulling for Chuck D & Flavor Flav to get down like they did in 1988-89, this isn't it. Too many concessions to today's pop charts. The best thing they could do now is either hang shit up for good or hire a bunch of young dudes who were heavily influenced by 'It Takes a Nation of Millions'. Like me. Fuck, I could make a more hyped track than this Geritol commercial. "Rise" is Flavor's spot & makes one backward concession with the squeeey horn hit. But, come on. Chuck's flow is on, but shit. The music is weak & pointless. And is there a hook? Hell no. This doesn't make me want to join a revolution.


PRINCE
3121
Revolution, get it? Nice lead-in there. You probably didn't even catch it. Okay, the last Prince album I heard was the one with "Alphabet Street". So, what the hell can I say about this? His drummer is on the cover of the most recent Berklee alumni mag. I didn't realize Prince stayed so busy. "Lolita" is the future grafted to the past. & I think "Black Sweat" is the big hit single at the mo. You know more about Prince than I do. It grooves & it doesn't suck.


PLACEBO
MEDS
How is this band so fucking popular? That guy's voice sucks ass! Remember the band Bush? How they were massive in the US & tiny at home in the UK. Well, this is the first thing I've heard by Placebo. And I fucking hate that guy's voice. There's no way.


OUT OUT
VIRTUAL SOUND IMAGES
Heavily layered electronic techno beat dance music. But not obnoxious. I have to stress that. "Forestry for the Thieves" and "Ampex, My Ampex" are the titles of the day.


SUMMONING
OATH BOUND
What is this, Lord Of The Rings metal? The orchestral shit is way louder than everything else. The drums sound like they're on top of a tiny mountain. The vocals rule though, raw classic black metal low-screechy. Oh, and 'fucking epic'.


BAL-SAGOTH
THE CTHONIC CHRONICLES
I'm ignorant so this just reminds me of Dimmu Borgir. Black metal with keyboards. It might be really cool.


MUDHONEY
UNDER A BILLION SUNS
Yep, that's pretty much what I remember them sounding like. Two guitars, bass, drums & vocals. Not bad but still nothing I'm going to bother with again.

JOEY MOE
MOETOWN
I feel about 70 now.


GARY NUMAN
JAGGED
What? I'm the biggest Numanoid I know, how come I didn't know about this until just now? Damn. Okay. Well, it sounds like a continuation of his work of the past few years. I like him, that's why I call it 'work'. "Halo" gives away the Nine Inch Nails influence. The whole album sounds dark & menacing. Just like 'Pure'. I'll definitely have to check this one again.


GARY MOORE
OLD NEW BALLADS BLUE
Fuck the blues, especially when played by affluent British white guys.


FITTA WARRI
SABABA VIBES
Modern dancehall reggae stuff. Interesting. Who knew. It kicks Public Enemy's ass.

YOU'LL BE THE SORTER

So... when did this Syd Barrett documentary DVD come out again? Is it even out in the states? Hm. They might've snuck it out when I wasn't looking. It was 48 minutes of pure dopeness, in 5.1 surround sound. I was kind of afraid they were gonna 'go there'. Y'know, track down Ole Syd & jab a mic under his nose & scare the fuck out of him. So I'm glad they didn't. Very relieved. The extras were cool but had nothing to do with Syd as such. David Gilmour seems like a likable enough fellow, Roger Waters too. I just can't fucking stand listening to anything they did without Syd. I have issues, yes. Yes. Clearly. But, having Gilmour explain the genesis of "Wish You Were Here" while strumming an acoustic is as close as I'll ever get to appreciating that era of music. The rest - Syd fucking rocks. I've never seen most of the old footage of him. And the interview with him talking about why they played so loudly was coolness too. I'm going to check out the Nick Drake doc next.

What else. I'm very fucking psyched that Thomas Dolby and Celtic Frost will both be touring this year & playing semi-close to me. It'll still be at least a 2 hour drive but...beyond worth it. I've loved Dolby since 83 and Frost since 85, bought all of their records, etc etc etc, and haven't seen either in concert before. Last summer I saw DEVO & KISS. This will be a nice continuation of that. And hopefully next summer I'll see XTC and.... Levitation?



ATREYU
A DEATH GRIP ON YESTERDAY
Modern melodic metal. Downtuned, chugging riffs, vocals like Opeth/Lamb of God - ie tuneless fake screaming - alternated with big choruses and 'clean' vocals. Okay I guess for what it is. I like the ingredients but I don't like the cake.

CAROLINE
MURMURS
"Bicycle" = slow orchestral swells & reversed piano hits. And twee little female vocatilities. Doesn't build up much past that beyond a mucked-with drum thing. Which, hey, this is just like a bland version of Mum. I object. "Pink & Black" = more of the same only it builds up into something resembling a pop song with lots of soncially-perfect backing vocals. "Sunrise" continues the metaphor. I mean you could certainly do worse than ripping off Mum, but I guess I'd still rather just listen to the original if all they're going to do is smooth everything out.

BRIGHTWOOD
THE LOVE ANTIDOTE EP
How do I keep getting this shit? I guess this would be American emo? With Radiohead/Flaming Lips style shifts in dynamics. The vocal harmonies, eugh. Then the syncopated death-metal chugging large chord bit kicks in. Lyrics about never falling in love again & a kind of ballad-y vibe across the board. Ooh, so original. Quiet synthy verses and large, chugged-out choruses. Again - nice ingredients, foul cake.


CHICK COREA
THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE
Seriously? Me & Chick both went to Berklee. And yet, to this day, I don't think I've ever listened to any of his music outside of my jazz history class. I don't have anything against it - unlike, say, Louis Armstrong or Billie Holiday, who both get on my nerves. So. How to describe this. "Three Ghouls Part 1" is 90 seconds of fleeing piano/flute themes with drum and maybe bass counterpoint. See, I used a big word there because I'm trying to look cool. "Three Ghouls Part 2", another organ/keyboard melody with drumming behind it. And percussion. "Three Ghouls Part 3" gets a little funkier. I dunno, I'm not saying this is 'timeless', exactly, but it could've come out at any point in the last 35 years. Nor 'classic' because I don't know what that would even entail. I'm just saying this isn't horrible. "City of Brass" sounds like some hand cymbals and tabla along with the unison piano/synth/organ/flute melodies. Sweet pentatonics. Another big word. This might be an around the world in 80 minutes kind of thing, noting titles like "Moseb the Executioner" parts 1-3 (part 3 is fun-keh!), "Flight from Karoof" parts 1-2, "Arabian Nights" in 2 parts, etc. And I've already used too many words. Maybe a nice companion to the Salman Rushdie book of your choice. Tough pick, I don't know what my choice would be. I like them all.

CASSETTE
WELCOME BACK TO EARTH
Starts with thee old test tones from a late 1980s EMI audio cassette before the music. Then...slight little acoustic guitar & dude singing. Until the loud bit kicks in. But it's still only piano, acoustic guitar, drums and bass gweetar. So it's not like it's a wall of destruction or anything. More like yer Coldplay, yer David Gray, yer lame & wimpy corporate rock with forced indie overtones. And a cover of "Pump it Up" at the end.


DEV2.0
DEV2.0
Weeeeellll, here's the one I've all been waiting for. I guess. DEVO outsources its own tribute act in the form of a Disney-sponsored kiddie group. How will the cynicism, sarcasm and even innuendo come across (geddit) when played by pre-teens? It doesn't sound like a recipe for success, exactly, does it. And yet this thing features the first new DEVO songs in about 250 years. Might as well cue this sombitch up. Do any of these kids know what they're doing? Will they remember this shit in 10 years? Will anyone? Is this just the latest failed attempt for DEVO to recontextualize itself in a current, modern format (ie - CD-Rom! Video game! Laser Disc! Probably a few 8-tracks in there as well!)? I mean, I grew up listening to "Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth," and look at me now. Note-perfect DEVO covers, then. The drumming does sound like a little kid playing. But everything else is fine. The girl singing? Hm. On the one hand I can just enjoy the different-but-sameness of this whole ordeal, but on the other hand it's just weird. And frankly pointless. DEVO albums are already perfection. "Peek a Boo" sounds like an actual kid's song in this context. Is that the idea? "Boy U Want"? Ah, they changed the lyrics. Okay. "Uncontrollable Urge" in unchanged. And frankly weird. But now it's about a 'snack attack'. Then the big news of the album, "Cyclops" and "The Winner". The first one is a v. nice death/doom synth riff. About a nerd at school with one eye? That's not very nice! Ha. I'd still rather hear Mark singing here. "The Winner" sounds vintage, like an outtake from 'Freedom of Choice'. Maybe it is, who knows. Nice. Too bad about the little girl singing. "Girl U Want" is the bonus track. Okay. & hopefully Jihad Jerry & The Evildoers will have a full album out soon. The preview trax on the web are inconclusive.


COWBOY MOUTH
VOODOO SHOPPE
Um, this is confusing. It's corporate 'punk rock', which should set off warning bells somewhere. The dude's voice is low enough that he's obviously not 20 years old anymore. I thought this kind of music was for and by upper middle class kids. Last fall when I was in Canada & had nothing to do but go to the mall every day for a week, this is the kind of shit I heard in all the music stores.

CATACOMBS
IN THE DEPTHS OF R'LYEH
Now yer talkin'. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMAAAAAHHHGHGHGHHGHHHH!! The title track opens this joint and it's slow as fuck. The vocalist growls like crazy. Which gets annoying pretty quickly. His tuneless wheeze subtracts from the gloriousness of the oppressiveness of the darkness of the blackness, y'know? "Dead Dripping City" = 16 min of the same. And is that a drum machine? If so, I retract most of what I just said. With a different singer this might be godly. As it is it's just kinda stale. Which is a pity because I love good doom.


ENNIO MORRICONE
LOVE THEMES
Uhm. I don't know shit about any of this. I know even less about movies. It sounds like love themes from movies. There ya go.

DISMEMBER
THE GOD THAT NEVER WAS
Okay. I kind of speak this language. Brutal death metal with vocals you can almost understand. American death metal with good production. Which doesn't always add up, y'know. Sometimes it should be brutal & unpleasant. Not all smoothed-out. I'm not sure about the...double tracked vocals, where the guy seems to be finishing his own sentences every other verse. Or is that just his style? I don't know. They slow it down a few times toward the end. Eh. I can take it or leave it.

FOG
LUST
Generic instrumental techno dance trance booty music. At least they don't fuck it up by employing a shitty vocalist. "Under Pressure" = not a Bowie/Queen cover. Or even a Vanilla Ice cover.

GOLGOTHA
ICARUS EP
Half an hour of darkly quiet atmospherics. The "orchid mix featuring Ildiko" adds acoustic guitar and out-of-tune dude singing. It adds while detracting. "Icarus Fallen" is 8 min of ghoulish, trancey atmospherics. With hand percussion. It sounds like the end of a pow-wow. "Icarus Law" is back to the shitty singer. But the worst is saved for the end. A dude singing like he thinks he's Brendan Perry or even the guy from Eden. But he sounds like Don Knotts (RIP).


HEADBANGER
EVIL NEVER DIES 12"
People still like this? I thought this shit never really caught on? It's.. aggressive techno with distorted everything and metallic overtones. Harsh, uptempo, 4-on-the-floor. Gabber? "Big MF Tits" just adds Andrew Dice Clay samples. It's monotonous and I've never seen anyone bang their heads to techno.

BROKEN FAMILY BAND
BALLS
Nice wacky lyrics. You zany corporate indie rockers are so fucking funny.

JEL
SOFT MONEY
Oooh, purdy. Beats! Weird samples, just like they useta do 'em. Freaked out synths and sexy fucking bass sounds. Hell yeah. I'm in. Who's she singin' on "All Around"? She sounds familiar. I like this.

KETTLES
KETTLES
10 seconds into the first song and it already sounds like a credit card commercial. I can't say it really redeems itself after that. Fucking emo queefs.

MINISTRY
RIO GRANDE BLOOD
I haven't gotten into Ministry since the 80s. The title track is first, it samples the prez to make him state the obvious about being a weapon. Then... it's yer old grampas and their patented electro-thrash. Riffs are good. Double-kick drum bit is good. Screaming chorus, sure, why not. Is "Senor Peligro" about the Dead Kennedys's drummer? Oh nice, sneaky 'mosh' part there. I mean that in the good way. Okay, this rules. And "Ass Clown" features an actual Dead Kennedys member, Jello Biafra. Which almost makes this a LARD reunion, dunnit. Just the one track. Good god, everything is distorted! "Kyber Pass" is the long slow ghouly one at the end. With the chick singer. Just like I remember, sort of. Almost.

NAKED TOURIST
MAD DIFFERENT METHODS
Mildly tedious techno/trance/dance with aggressiveness. Kind of like an hour-long Skinny Puppy remix.

SMACKY
SMACKY
Nice name. Too bad about the music = pointlessly by-the-book rock with absolutely nothing to call its own. Playing it straight, fine, but to the point of pointlessness. The song titles tell the story - 'Your Suicide', 'I Remember', 'Regret and Sympathy', played like fucking John Mellencamp or something. I mean, who the hell cares? Irredeemably faceless.



THE GATHERING
HOME
Not bad but not amazing. Reminds me of Garbage. Pop music.

THE KNIFE
SILENT SHOUT
Straightforward techno pop. Like a piss-take of the great synthetic pop music of the early 1980s. Or 'homage', whatever. Same thing. Oh, wait, there's a stupidly effected vocal track on "The Captain". Hm. "We Share Our Mother's Health" is cool pop like...shit, M.I.A. ! Nice. Don't forget, that was my summer jam last year. So is The Knife the summa scumma for the oh-sicks? Could be. Could be. Or maybe it's just so twee & obvious that it just grates. It's too soon to tell.

THE CHARLATANS
SIMPATICO
So, these guys are like the elder statesmen now aren't they. Hm. Strange to think that they're the only ones still running out of that awesome fucking pack of Madchester bands. The singer still sounds like the guy from the Stone Roses to me. Songs? These? These songs? I can't say they bear repeating. The first track reminds me of Richard Ashcroft. Ooh, the "NYC" one kicks in some Jamiroquoi disco shit. Which, I don't know. They probably think they sound like the Beastie Boys. And "For Your Entertainment" is the worst reggae parody I've heard in a long time. Egad. Oh wait, they do another with the closer, "Sunset and Vine". The rest just sounds like everything else in the UK top 40 - acoustic guitars, live drums, dark atmos and not a tune to be found.

THE LOVED ONES
KEEP YOUR HEART
Well, sure, why not end on a down note. "Suture Self" = good song title. Pity about the music. WORLD: ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING POP PUNK ALREADY.

THE DAMNED
MACHINE GUN ETIQUETTE
Hey, how did that get in there? This is how it should be done. Energy, spite, and tunes for miles. This is the only classic Damned album I still don't actually own, so some of these tracks are new to me. Like "These Hands". wow. So, my revised message to the world is this. Smoke up on "Love Song", "I Just Can't Be Happy Today," "Melody Lee," and "Anti Pope". Sure, it sounds like 34 cent White Castle fart, but that's why it fucking rules. After all, I got nothing against church, only the people who go there. Co-written by Sensible's brother. Fact.